A Brain and Nervous System Guide to BIG Emotions before Puberty.
If you’re parenting a child in the tween years ( aged 8–11) and things feel harder, you’re not alone.
Many parents find themselves searching things like:
Why is my child so emotional lately?
Why has my child’s behaviour changed before puberty?
Big emotions in pre-teens
How to help my child regulate emotions
Often the feeling is the same:
What used to work doesn’t work anymore, and reactions feel bigger or harder to predict.
This isn’t your imagination — and it isn’t a parenting failure.
Big emotions often start before puberty is obvious
When people think about puberty, they usually think about teenagers.
But for many children, emotional and behavioural changes begin years earlier.
Between roughly 8 and 11, the brain and nervous system continue to develop in preparation for adolescence. That internal shift can show up as:
stronger emotional reactions
increased sensitivity to noise, clothes, or change
more difficulty with transitions
and a growing need for independence
Because this stage isn’t widely talked about, parents are often left confused — or wondering what they’re doing wrong. They can feel like they are going through the teenage years already and they start to dread those years arriving because they have heard they are really tough.
So let's straighten this out.
This isn’t “bad behaviour”
One of the most important things for parents to hear is this:
At this age, behaviour is rarely about attitude, defiance, or not knowing better. I know it feel like it but its really not.
Much more often, it reflects:
a nervous system that’s under strain
emotional systems developing faster than self-control
and a child with less regulation capacity than it looks like from the outside
When we don’t understand this, we try to fix behaviour directly — and end up in power struggles, escalations, or exhaustion.
Understanding what’s underneath changes everything.
Why advice often doesn’t help at this stage
Many parents are given tools like:
reward charts
consequences
scripts or behaviour plans
These strategies aren’t wrong — but they often don’t work when emotions are already high.
That’s because learning, cooperation, and problem-solving all require a nervous system that feels safe and settled enough to engage.
Without that foundation, even well-intended strategies can make things worse. They can set the tween to feel like they are failing (and you when it doesn’t work).
Understanding is the missing piece
When parents understand what’s happening in their child’s brain and nervous system:
behaviour stops feeling personal
responses become calmer and more confident
and relationships are protected during a demanding developmental stage
This doesn’t mean removing boundaries or lowering expectations.
It means knowing when to support regulation first, and how to respond in ways that actually help.
A brain-based guide for this stage
That’s why I am creating How to Understand What’s Really Going On With My Child — a four-part, brain and nervous system-informed series for parents navigating big emotions before puberty.
The programme helps parents:
make sense of emotional and behavioural changes
understand what’s driving them beneath the surface
know what to do in the moment
and reduce repeated struggles over time
It’s not about fixing children.
It’s about understanding development — and responding with clarity and confidence.
If things feel harder right now
You might be in the middle of this stage.
And you’re not doing anything wrong.
Your child’s brain and nervous system are changing — and with the right understanding, this stage can feel far more manageable for both of you.
Over the coming months, I’ll be sharing more support around:
understanding big emotions before puberty
responding in ways that support regulation and connection
and making sense of behaviour through a brain and nervous system lens
I’m currently developing a practical, parent-focused series that brings all of this together in one place.
If this perspective feels helpful, you’re very welcome to stay connected and hear when that becomes available.
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